Live from Earth, It's Saturday Night!
by Madtrek
Summary: The top 3 Saturday Night Live skits each night, Star Trek style. Mostly crack. or whatever SNL can be classified as


**Live from Earth, It's Saturday Night!**

Season 37, Episode 720. Host: Sofía Vergara. Air date: April 7, 2012.

A/N: So what I'm doing for this story is taking my top 3 favorite Saturday Night Live Skits and putting them to Star Trek. Writing out the dialogue for each skit is PAINFUL. But it's funny. Very funny. NOTE: HERE BE UTTER CRACK. THOU HAST BEEN WARN'ED. You don't have to watch SNL to get these, but I recommend it. Expect updates on Sundays.

Another A/N: This is a new story I'm doing, just to kill the writer's block. I'm actually working on a couple huge stories, I'm just going to finish them before I post them. I _will_ get back to my other stories. Eventually.

Disclaimer: No, I don't own SNL. If I did, it would be on every night. No, I don't own Star Trek either. If I did, it would also be on every night.

* * *

"Just Friends" Booty Shorts

...

Sulu and Chekov reached for their respective cups of coffee.

"By the way, you two are a _really_ cute couple." The barista batted her eyelashes at them.

Looking up in surprise, Hikaru quickly corrected her. "A couple?"

Chekov, wide-eyed, reassured her, "Nyet. No, no..."

Sulu grabbed Chekov by the elbow to make a quick exit. "Mm-mm," he muttered, making a hasty escape out the door.

...

"Check zis out! Is wery cool!" Chekov held out the aging wooden box in the single antiques shop on the Starbase. Sulu looked it over in appraisal.

"It's so nice to see couples antiquing." The woman behind the counter sighed.

Sulu, now exasperated, exclaimed, "We're not a gay couple!"

Chekov jumped as an excited finger taps demandingly on his shoulder. "Tired of you and your straight friend being mistaken for a homosexual couple?"

Taken aback at the abrupt interruption, the two Starfleet officers nodded cluelessly. The enthusiastic salesman continued, "Set the record straight with "Just Friends" Booty Shorts! The tight-fitting blend of lightweight spandex will make sure the message gets out loud and clear! For a look that screams, "I'm available, _ladies"_. They're available in both small, and _tight_! If you want to get the point accross, try one of our "Not Gay" tank-tops! "Just Friends" Booty Shorts! Because we're totally straight!"

"Vell, vhy not? It ees more fun zhan antiquing..."

...

Sulu and Chekov happily spent the rest of their shore leave in their new vibrant red shorts, jogging around the Starbase, dancing the the public park, giving each other piggy-back rides, riding the single hover-scooter left at the rental shop, shoving hotdogs in each other's mouths, and visiting the local bar.

The videos, despite the two's best efforts, were never fully deleted from every personal account on the ship's computer.

Luckily for the ensigns behind it all, the clip of the "enthusiastic salesman" selling the shorts was never seen from again.

* * *

Almost Pizza

...

"You have ordered pizza? I do not recollect hearing the individual tasked with the delivery of the pizza come to the door." Spock eyed the pizza sitting in the kitchen of their shared room in the Academy Officer's Dorm.

"That's because it's not delivery!" Jim grinned up at his first officer.

"Illogical. It is impossible for you to have procured this pizza in the given amount of time. This room has no replicator."

"And it's not exactly pizza either. It's Almost Pizza!" Jim flaunted the box in his first officer's face.

"It appears to be pizza."

"Nope! It's very nearly pizza, but not quite. It's Almost Pizza! Come on, let's eat!"

"Is it in anyway crafted from artificial falsified ingredients?"

"No, you could put artificial ingredients on pizza, and still legally call it pizza. But don't call this pizza. It's _Almost_ Pizza - pizza that's practically pizza in every way, except for a few key ones. Come on, dig in!" The captain gestured wildly at the steaming... almost pizza... in front of them.

"However, this "almost pizza" remains qualifiable as sustenance, correct?" Spock questioned, becoming wary.

"Come on!"

At that moment, Doctor McCoy strolled in. "Mmmm, pizza! Nice going, Jimbo!" Bones reached between them to grab a slice.

"Please refrain from consuming the "pizza" for a time, doctor." Spock held one hand in front of Doctor McCoy in the galactic sign for "STOP!". "Jim, would you specify exactly what this is?"

Bones shrugged. "It sure looks like pizza."

"It's supposed to!" Jim interjects.

"However, I would not make the assumption that it is indeed pizza. If it were pizza, it would not require the adjective "almost" as a nominative."

"Look, I'll eat some!" Jim opened his mouth wide, and slowly moves the pizza across his cheek, attempting to give the appearance of consuming the pizza.

"It smells like pizza," Bones grumbles.

Jim, now condescending, spoke up, "That was their intention!"

"May I inquire as to whom this intention belongs?" Spock was now awfully suspicious.

"Just try it, Spock, it's getting cold!"

"That statement is false. It in fact appears to be increasing in temperature. What is this, captain?"

"Just eat some!"

"No."

"I'll eat it, damnit." Dr. McCoy picked up a piece, bringin it towards his mouth.

"No, doctor!" Spock lashed out, batting the "pizza" from McCoy's hand.

The almost pizza careened across the room, only to fall and shatter upon impact with the high-glossed floor. "_That_ is most certainly _not_ pizza." Spock voiced aloud.

"You said it was pizza!" McCoy, face drawn and ashen, accused.

The "pizza" on the floor began to sizzle, drawing the attention in the room away from the captain. Without warning, one of the largest fragments snapped and crackled into a complete slice and shot towards Spock's feet. The Vulcan leapt up on the countertop, the captain and doctor quickly joining him.

Utterly bewildered, Jim gasps out "That's the last time we're getting pizza from a guy in the park."

* * *

News Team Failure

...

"Guys, this little intro buffer for the news story should be 1-2-3 easy!" The Starfleet publicist bounced in excitement.

"That's what I like to hear, mister, because otherwise I get real difficult." Kirk flashed the signature smile.

"Jim, does my hair have a cowlick? Bones had been fussing with his hair all morning. "Do I look okay?"

"You look as radiant as always!"

"Bones reached over and smacked the captain. "Bad answer."

"Bad answer. Ye look fine, doc." Scotty chuckled. nodding away.

"Thank you?"

"Okay, so the voiceover is going to talk about the new story we're doing on you guys and your teamwork aboard the Enterprise. It's a real shame the Commander can't be here. But you guys are enough. So we just want you guys to turn to the camera, cross you arms, and smile. Ready?"

General murmurs of "Got it", "yeah" and other such assurances were grumbled.

"Waie a minute there, laddie, is this in holopic?" Scotty inquires.

The publicist looks Scotty over once before nodding affirmatively. "Yeah."

"So. lets just get the music and a feel for it, and go." The man left the soundstage and the news music rose.

"Kirk, turn!" Jim swiveled and gave the camera the female-melting grin.

"McCoy, turn!" Bones tried to do the same.

"Scott, turn!" No movement from the probably drunk engineer. "Turn, Scott! Scott, turn, turn to the camera. Oh cut, cut, cut, cut."

"Aye, I missed oot, right?" Scotty glanced around the room, looking for someone to agree with him.

"Yeah, yeah" The publicist entered the camera's view and put a hand on Scotty's arm. "When you hear me say turn, it means you turn."

"Oh alright, I 'eard ye saying "Scott, turn", and it's prettae much tae camera ye want, aye?"

"Yeah, that's what I meant, yeah. Alright let's do this! Alright guys, action!

The music rolled, and...

"Kirk, turn!" There went the lady-killing smile again.

"Great! McCoy, turn! Give me a nice smile! Beautiful!" Kirk and the cameramen quietly giggled.

"Scott, turn! Scott, TURN! Turn to camera! Scott, turn, just turn..."

"I keep laughing!"

"Turn!"

"Even if I'm laughing?"

"Yeah just turn. turn to camera."

"Alright, I stopped laughing, should I turn now?"

"Yeah okay, cut, cut!"

"Och damn it, I missed it! Uh, man, we're going tae be here all day. Why was I laughing? Who was making me laugh? Doc, were ye makin' me laugh?"

"How? I wasn't even lookin' at you!"

"Cap, were ye making me laugh, lad?

"Come on Scott, let's go." Jim was quietly seething that one of his crew members had the gall to come down to an interview drunk.

"Aye, laddies, lets get serious"

"Um, mister, should I smile with teeth, or with no teeth?" McCoy, oddly timid, piped up.

"Let's do teeth. Everybody ready?"

Again the murmurs of consent answered.

"Ah, hold on laddie, what if I look at the camera and I point at the camera, and there a thought bubble ovae my 'ead"

"What's in the thought bubble?"

"Right, okay lad."

"Action, action!"

"Kirk, turn!"

"McCoy, turn! Nice."

"Scott, turn! Scott, TURN. Ah, don't talk! What are you doing? What's the matter? Don't-! Get off! Get off! Get off, what're you doing? Don't come to me! Go back!"

"Och damn it, I missed it!"

"Cut, cut!"

"What gives, laddie, we all want tae go back to the ship?"

Kirk's authoritative voice rang in. "Scott, you know it's all you, don't even try to put this on us."

"Hold on, let me ask you a question. You maintain a starship, right?"

"Aye, you need a ride, somewhere?

"No, no. Never mind. Okay look, maybe I'll just do Scott by himself. Can you handle that?"

"I bet it's jus' my fault we have tae keep doing it ova'."

"Okay guys, let's just do a bunch in a row, Okay, action."

"Put your arms down! Close you mouth! What are you doing? Just turn to camera! Don't give me your wallet! What are you doing? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't do that! No, no, no, no, come on! Back on your mark! Leonard, don't help him, don't help him!"

"He needs to turn!" Leonard screamed, wrenching the Scotsman's head towards the camera.

"Okay, you know what? That's a wrap. I'll figure it out. Ill figure it out."

"Nice job, laddies! I'ma gointae go home now."

...

"This is a news story brought to you by Channel 14, featuring Captain James Kirk, Doctor Leonard McCoy, and Mr. Montgomery Scott!"

"Captain, would you care to explain Mr. Scott's current... stance?"

"No, Mr. Spock, I would care. Very much."

* * *

I would like to add the "Sex Ed with Gilly" clip, but I'm not 100% sure how to do it, and it would up the rating, so it's going to be these three.

Reviews are awesome. Anybody who has written anything, here or otherwise, knows this . SO PLEASE! See those blue words? Right about...

Here.

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